On a farm, loss does not always come with a funeral.
Sometimes it looks like selling the cows. Sometimes it’s handing over the farm during succession, moving out of a longtime farmhouse or watching a parent lose the ability to farm. It can also be the loss of an animal, a role, a routine or a business decision that changes the direction of the farm.
For those who grew up in agriculture, dealing with loss is a familiar territory. But that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s easier.
Jaclyn Turpin, Registered Social Worker and founder of Rural Refresh, says one of the biggest challenges is recognizing losses beyond death. Turpin discussed the challenges with farm family coach Elaine Froese on the Farm Family Harmony Podcast.
“I think we live in this world where loss has really been identified as like a death loss. But we don’t always recognize those non-death losses and transitions as a loss experience, and they really are,” Turpin says.
For farmers, those losses can hit especially hard because farming is tied closely to identity. The farm can represent a person’s career, family history, daily routine and sense of purpose.
When the Cows Leave
As consolidation in the dairy industry continues, more farmers are finding themselves making the decision to leave an operation they may have spent decades building. On paper, selling the herd or stepping away from the farm can look like a business decision. For the person making it, there can be much more wrapped up in the decision.
Turpin has worked with farmers who have sold their cows and struggled with what came next. The financial decision may have made sense, but walking away from the barn also meant walking away from a role they had built their lives around.
“You loved your cows. You’ve lost an identity as a dairy farmer and now you’re sad,” Turpin says.
She notes how loss of identity can be difficult to recognize, especially when everyone around the farmer sees the transition as a practical decision. There may be relief from the financial pressure or the grind of running a dairy, but there can also be sadness.
Turpin sometimes helps people look at those experiences through a loss timeline. Instead of focusing on one major event, the exercise gives people a chance to look back at everything they have experienced and recognize how those losses may have built on one another.
“It’s often about validating your feelings. Maybe other people, society or even their family saw those things as little pieces, but to them, they were big pieces,” Turpin says..
There can also be a loss of routine. The morning trips to the barn, checking cows, making breeding decisions, fixing equipment or talking with employees can disappear almost overnight. Even the things a farmer once complained about can be things they miss once they are gone.
Turpin describes those experiences as losses that can build on one another.
“It’s like losses piling up. When we experience one loss after another, they can build on each other,” Turpin says.
Recognizing those layers can help explain why a transition sometimes feels heavier than expected. Giving farmers space to recognize both sides of that experience can make it easier to talk about what they are losing, rather than feeling like they are supposed to make the decision and immediately move on to whatever comes next.
Farmers are Good at Moving On
Farm families can become accustomed to pushing through hard experiences without taking much time to process them. The pace of agriculture can make it difficult to stop and consider how loss has affected a person or family.
“I think it’s really about slowing down. In agriculture, we’re so used to having to keep going. You just carry on because the wheels have to keep spinning,” Turpin says.
Taking a moment to recognize a loss does not mean a farmer has to stop farming. It can mean giving yourself enough space to understand how past experiences have shaped relationships, careers, family decisions and future plans.
Support also does not have to wait until someone reaches a breaking point. Turpin encourages farmers and their families to reach out before things become overwhelming.
“Don’t wait until things get really bad. Get support early. Schedule it in,” Turpin says. “I have folks who know harvest is coming up, or a hard season, or a stretch of solo parenting, whatever it may be. They plan ahead and say, ‘Okay, this is the support I’m going to have along the way.’”
Help Doesn’t Have to be Complicated
Helping a grieving farm family does not require knowing the perfect thing to say. In fact, Turpin says one of the most common offers of support may be too vague.
“People will often say things like, ‘Let me know if I can help’ or ‘Give me a call if there’s anything I can do.’ That’s not specific enough,” Turpin says.
Instead, friends, neighbors and family members can offer specific, practical help. On a farm, doing something useful can mean more than trying to find the right words.
“I’ll be here Tuesday to help sort cows. I’m going to drop off some coffee. Are you at the barn or the shop?” Turpin says.
The offer doesn’t have to be complicated. It could mean finishing the last quarter of a field, bringing a needed part to the farm or picking up groceries.
“I’m running by the grocery store. What can I grab?” Turpin says.
For farm families accustomed to doing things themselves, these gestures can carry plenty of weight.
Dementia can Bring a Different Kind of Farm Loss
Dementia can create another layer of grief for farm families because a person may still be physically present while parts of the relationship, personality or role have changed.
“An ambiguous loss, definition-wise, is really when somebody is physically present but psychologically absent or psychologically has changed or is not the person they once were,” Turpin says.
Those losses can show up in ways that aren’t always obvious to others.
“You might see their independence slipping. You might experience their license being revoked. Maybe they’re not able to farm in the same way or operate the same machinery or keep the books the same way. Those are pieces that feel like huge losses,” Turpin says.
For someone whose identity has been built around farming, losing those abilities can be especially difficult. The family may also grieve while still caring for the person sitting across the kitchen table.
Farm Kids Notice Loss, Too
Children growing up on farms also encounter loss as part of everyday life. They see sick animals, notice when a cow disappears from the herd and watch their parents make decisions about livestock, equipment and land.
Turpin says children can sometimes teach adults something about talking openly about loss because they tend to ask questions without the same hesitation adults carry.
“Kids just say it. They’re willing to talk about things openly, and we can learn so much from them. They recognize things we may notice subconsciously but don’t always realize are loss experiences, too,” Turpin says.
Rather than avoiding difficult conversations, adults can answer children’s questions in an age-appropriate way. The farm already gives children an understanding of life’s cycles, and honest conversations can help them put words to what they are seeing.
The Community Needs to Keep Showing Up
Farm communities are often excellent at rallying around an immediate crisis. When a barn burns, neighbors bring equipment. When a farmer gets hurt, people help with chores. When a family loses someone, meals arrive and people fill the pews.
“Who’s there two months later?” Turpin asks.
Those dates can be easy for friends and neighbors to forget, especially as time passes. Turpin recommends putting them on the calendar and reaching out when they arrive.
“Think about the dates that might be hard for someone. When is their birthday? When is the anniversary of the death, the loss or the accident?” Turpin says.
The goal is not to find the perfect words. It is to remind someone they are not carrying the loss alone.
Support Before the Breaking Point
Turpin says farmers do not have to wait until life feels unbearable before seeking help. Support can be part of preparing for difficult seasons, rather than something a person reaches for only during a crisis.
“I’m a big believer that it’s never too early to ask for support,” Turpin says. “Don’t wait until things get really bad. Reach out early and schedule that support.”
For Turpin, getting support also starts with making it easier to talk about stress.
“Stress has always been part of farming. That’s not new. What’s new is how we talk about it. Let’s keep changing that. Let’s have those conversations and really talk about what we’re going through,” Turpin says.
For families going through a hard season, there may not be perfect words. There does not need to be. Showing up with coffee, taking a job off someone’s plate or checking in months later can mean more than a person realizes.
Because on a farm, loss can take many forms. Sometimes the best thing a community can do is recognize it and keep walking alongside the people living through it.
For more on mental health, read:
